Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Things in Hell: Story Topper

*Things in Hell posts are periodic observations of what Hell might have. I am not saying this person/persons are actually going to spend eternity there. When I think of the what the worst possible place would have, these kind of people come to mind. Enjoy!

Everyone has had an experience that has made a difference in his or her life. Maybe it's funny, maybe it's sad or maybe it's one of those anything-that-could-possibly-go-wrong-does stories.

Whatever the story is, it is your story. You experienced it, and naturally, you feel that as you tell it to a group of people, the spotlight should be on you – and rightly so.

Enter Story Topper. I am certain Hell will have one of these.

Have you two met? He or she is usually the first one to speak after the conclusion of your story – without an invitation. The first words out of the mouths of Story Topper usually begin with “That's nothing...” or “Oh yeah? Listen to this...”

Story Topper will then proceed to attempt to trump your story by switching the topic/focus onto them, and thus, stealing your thunder. The very same thunder you rightfully earned through experiencing your experience.

Sometimes you know their story is a pile consisting of pure, unadulterated bull crap. For instance, if someone is talking about a love triangle, and Story Topper (who happens to be morbidly obese) chimes in about how the same thing happened to him – but with eight girls!

In spite of the sheer asininity of a “love nonagon,” Story Topper will still swear to it. Even if this portly fellow did have these eight girls after him, it still doesn't matter. That's not important, because you are the storyteller, and your story deserves the adequate amount of attention. The amount of attention that can NOT be given if rudely interrupted by Story Topper.

Can you think of a better way of punishing evildoers than to have every one of their stories topped for the rest of eternity? Me neither.

***Have you ever had an experience with Story Topper? Feel free to share in the comments, and don't be afraid to top my story.


  1. So are you saying that fat people aren't entitled to love? And moreover, not entitled to love from eight separate people?

  2. By the way... your experience is nothing. This one time, I had six story toppers steal my thunder...